Tuesday, January 31, 2006
For a change
There's a New Guy on the horizon. The married man, while still lurking around in my brain (and in the office, which is hard) is being FIRMLY ignored and pushed aside. SO a New Guy is a pleasant distraction
Actually, he's not new as such. He's the cute boy from work who I was buying drinks for a few weeks back. I went out with one of my workie girls on Friday (as opposed to the standard 5 girls who go out) and we went on a river cruise (paid for by work, with alcohol included) with a great wad of the workie boys and during the course of the night, the New Guy kissed me, in front of EVERYONE from work
And then we danced all night and kissed some more (to the point of being told to "tone it down" by the manager of the club we were in) and then he went home withOUT pressuring me for sex (it makes a nice change) and still messaged me most of Saturday
There's a big pub crawl åplanned for this Friday after work so maybe things will progress. I don't know. It's nice NOT knowing, actually
Y ¯ –
posted by Bug @ 11:01 pm   3 comments
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Points on Australia Day, spanish and body hair
Tomorrow is Australia Day (26th January). It's only in recent years that I've gotten into celebrating Australia Day. It MUST be celebrated with a BBQ and the beach. Two things heavily associated with Australian culture. The radio MUST be on, set to Triple J, as they count down the 100 hottest songs in Australia for 2005, as voted by us, the Australian Triple J listening public (this doesn't include Bug, as she enjoys sappy boy-band songs and songs by teen idols such as Hilary Duff - he, he, he, she's going to bash me now. I don't mind though - so long as she still comes to the beach with me tomorrow).

My officemate Mia can speak fluent spanish. I discovered this when David, my new officemate (who replaced the surly male who finished his PhD in December and went to work in Hawaii) returned to Hobart from Peru (where his study sites are located and he's spent the past year living) with his Peruvian fiance, who can't speak any English. My office erupted into a cacophany Spanish and laughter as Mia greeted David, who it turns out she's good friends with, and his beautiful fiance. I am wildly envious that Mia can speak another language fluently, something I've always wanted to be able to do. I'm also envious that she can chat away to David's fiance (whose name I simply cannot remember) who seemed like a lovely person and I felt very sorry for, seeing as she's here in Australia and can't actually speak to very many people (except Mia of course).

Today Mia did a big stretch in front of me in a tank top, and I discovered that she doesn't shave her underarms. Or wax, or pluck, or hair removal cream, or epilate, or anything, and she hasn't done for some time, because there's a hell of a bush under there. This just highlighted what opposites we are (me who has had her underarm hair permanently removed at great cost and pain), and what a funny old world it is that has me and Mia sharing an office at uni.
posted by Cecilia @ 9:48 am   4 comments
Monday, January 23, 2006
*sweating profusely* (but attractively!)
It was 41 degrees today (106-ish if you're one of those strange farenheit-y types). I am HOT and SWEATING and SUNBURNT and HOW will I sleep in my overheated room tonight??
On the upside, I have holidays and can ENJOY the beautiful weather that the weather bureau's organised for me! I just LOVE being Australian sometimes!
posted by Bug @ 12:01 am   2 comments
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I feel all topsy turvy. I'm not entirely sure why but I know I'm not happy. Not UNhappy, but not happy. Please, bloggies, what will make me feel more human?
posted by Bug @ 2:33 am   2 comments
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
How do you know when you're in love with someone?
What is the difference between a crush, or infatuation, or the real thing?
If you suspect it's something more than just a lustful physical-type thing, how do you STOP it from progressing?
With the SOE, I knew it was love from the second time I saw him. The first time, it was instant, ridiculous crush; the second time, I didn't even need to think about it. Not for one second did I question how deeply I felt, I just felt it in my bones
With my first ever (vaguely obsessive) boyfriend, I knew that much as I adored and loved him, I wasn't IN love with him
But with the Married Man, who is yes, far and away beYOND limits, I just don't know. If he comes near me I pause, waiting to see where he'll walk. If he talks, everyone else in the room goes silent so I can hear his voice. If he laughs, I feel my face go red as I try not to laugh along with him, just cos he's so cute. When he stretches, I want to run my fingertips along his forearms
I don't know what to do. I don't KNOW if I'm in love (and I suspect the not knowing means I'm not which GOOD, MARRIED! SO wrong!) but I'm definitely besotted, which isn't a great deal better, more so because I work for nine hours on the same floor as him 5 days a week
Unfairly, I can't turn off my feelings here and I LOATHE that. I'm very used to being in control and being independent and I'm not sure what to do with myself when I'm feeling pretty ashamed of myself for even the fancying thing and kind of disgusted for the kissing and whatever
I'm a fucking mess, really. And a confused fucking mess at that
posted by Bug @ 11:08 pm   4 comments
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
It may be an addiction
Ok, so I've just come back from seeing Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire again. Yes, that makes three times in a month. Yes, I'm addicted. But it's so GOOD!!!
Besides, there's the hotness of Stanislav Ianevski:
Although, Robert Pattinson's not dreadful to look at either:
Hang on, I need another look:
Nope, much more babely. Grr, I love that movie
posted by Bug @ 8:33 pm   9 comments
Friday, January 13, 2006
Sitting rather smugly
I am sitting rather smugly at my desk this morning. When I arrived at the shockingly late time of 10.30 am this morning, Mia greeted my customary 'good morning' with actual speech in the form of a sentence, not just the standard 'morning'. Our conversation went like this:
Me: 'Good morning!"
Mia: 'Morning. You sent me a text yesterday.' - note, this was not a question, it was a statement of fact. You may all remember that yes, I did send her a text telling her not to bother coming in to uni until later because the server was down.
Me: 'Yeah, I did.'
Mia: 'That was nice of you.'- in a very small little voice I had to strain to hear.
Me: 'No worries. It didn't matter anyway because you had all your stuff on disk.'
Mia: 'It wasn't a disk, it was the D drive.'

Note the end of our conversation - SHE HAD ALL HER STUFF ON DISK. Remember Mia yesterday implied that I was a complete imbecile who couldn't work a computer as her computer was functioning fine. Well, when I returned from the library yesterday, she admitted to me that the server wasn't working on her computer either, she'd saved all her stuff not to either of the two network spaces allocated to her, but instead to her computer hard-drive, which is the D drive (and D doesn't stand for Disk, like I thought). I've learnt something new, though. We can save things to the D drive of our personal computers, even though they're hooked up to the school network. Could be a bit risky though - if this one computer breaks, or catches a virus, you can't access your work at all.

So, I'm feeling rather like a big fat smug bullfrog this morning, who has just eaten a simply massive dragonfly. Mia and I had conversation, she THANKED me for being nice (and I have been trying in that department), and she was wrong all along.

The girl must have the constitution of an ox, though. I have had a cold now for two weeks. A very snotty, sneezy cold involving lots of tissues. I have had a great hacking cough for six weeks, very chesty where you can simply hear the flem rattling on my chest (now that's a gross vivid word picture). She is still not sick, despite sitting only two metres away from me (with a short bookcase between us).

But still, I am smug.
posted by Cecilia @ 11:22 am   1 comments
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I'm just not THAT big of a flake
So, the fact that my ernest officemate thinks me a great big ditz was reinforced about an hour ago. I, in my new years resolution to get to uni earlier, showed up at uni at 8 am this morning. No, I lie. I must be honest with you all. I had to be here by 8 am to return the uni ute which I have had for the past two days doing my fieldwork. So, anyway, I was here bright and early, full of good intentions of not wasting time blogging, and just writing away at my paper all morning, until my appointment with my supervisor at noon. I go up to my office, log into my computer. Up comes a message to me, informing me that there is no server. Now, servers are very important things, I have learnt. If the internet doesn't work, it is usually because 'the server is down'. This morning, it was a very important server that had disappeared. This server supplied not only the internet, but all the 'drives' within my school where everyones files are stored. Thinking it may just be my office computer, I tried computers in two different computer labs, then went and conferred with the postgrad coordinator (the only person I could find at 8.15am in the morning), who said that yes, the server was down everywhere, and we'd just have to wait for it to come back on.

So, basically here I was, bright and early at uni, with nothing to do. Well, I read a couple of journal articles, but that was it. I thought I'd be nice and build bridges with my officemate (who I think hates me as she shows disdain and exasperation every time she has to talk with me) so I sent her a nice friendly message telling her to have a late one this morning because the server was down at uni and there's nothing to do, signing it 'Cec in the office', in case she knows other Cecs and also in case she'd forgotten my name. At 9.30 I wandered down to my supervisor with my list of questions (I see her once a week so I save up questions to ask her), two and a half hours before our appointment, because I truly do have nothing else to do and figure she must be at a loose end too. Half an hour later, I head on back up to the office and find Mia sitting at her desk, working away on her computer. She has the window open that has all the network files in it. Mine had come up blank. Thinking the server is now 'up' again, I try my computer again. Nothing. Turning to Mia, I ask her if she was using files from the network (she may have saved everything on a back-up CD). "Yes" she says, as if to say 'what other kind would I be using'. "The network has been down in the whole school", I tell her. "I wonder why is yours working?" "Maybe you didn't log on properly" she says, like I'm a child. "Dd you try a few times?" "I tried up here, and in the computer lab. And there were other postgrads who'd migrated into the computer lab to try there as well, and no one could get it to work." I inform her, "It's down in the entire building, except your computer." "Have you tried your computer recently?" she asks me in this highly patronising tone. "Maybe it's working now" . "Yes", I tell her, highly annoyed, "Just then, and it's not working, Your computer is the only one in the whole building to work - how bizarre! Oh, maybe it's because you don't log out of a night, you just leave it on" "I've just logged in twice this morning" she tells me smugly.

So, in the typing of ths story I've realised two things. 1) that it is quite a dull story, and 2) that Mia doesn't come out looking like a bitch who hates me. Her responses sound quite reasonable. But it's all in her manner, how she was implying that the server wasn't down at all, I was making it up and the reason I couldn't get the computer to go is because I wasn't logging in correctly (probably because I was stuffing up my password). HER computer was going, so obviously there was nothing wrong. I immediately went down and hassled the computer technician, telling him that Mia's computer was going fine. He had no answers to that, but said he was working on the problem. SO cop that Mia - I wasn't imagining a problem. I'm just not that big of a flake.

I'm writing this in the library, where the internet is working fine. It's time now to head back down to my office and see if the school network is up and running again. And go sit closeted in a little room with Mia. Oh yay. I still have a doozy of a cold though, with lots of nose-blowing and hacking coughing, so instead of going to the toilet every half hour for an almightly nose-blowing session, and trying to muffle my coughs with lots of sips of water, I think I'm just going to let rip in the office and Mia can just deal with it or go out. It's my office now too! Just because she's been there two years, and I've only been there four months doesn't mean I have any less right to be there with my germs!
posted by Cecilia @ 10:59 am   3 comments
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
When good Catholic girls lose the plot...
The mammoth post is just too long. Convoluted and rant-y and most of it just me trying to justify the fact that I've fallen for a married man
I'm not deluded; I have no expectation that he's going to leave his wife for me and I had to giggle when I thought of (hypothetically) he and I going to one of my family dinners and me hanging out with my cousins listening to 311 and The Offspring and the soundtrack from Les Miserables (yes, we have eclectic taste in my family) and the married man sitting upstairs talking with the adults. I know that nothing will come of it and that I'm a fool to even be interested but the gist of the story is this:
When I started at my work (my oh so wonderful work that I love more and more each day. I am such a nerd), I fancied him. Nothing serious but I thought he was good-looking and more than that, he was just a fun guy. I had fun just listening to him talk. THEN I found out he was married and while I was (quite) disappointed, I just dismissed him from my mind because hello, married! When his wife gave birth to their second child a few months back, I had a pang but ignored it. Then he hit on me a couple of weeks before Christmas (he was drunk, he's not a sleaze) and I was a bit crestfallen. I'd always thought he was such a great guy and I couldn't reconcile a cheat with a guy I admired
But after a week or so, I realised that I'd not quite put him out of my mind like I'd thought. Nothing happened but we started having lunch together, chatting about football and past relationships and he read me my horoscope every day and told me that he thinks I'm gorgeous. It was all above board though, other people would come and talk with us – we were just hanging out
Until. Until we went out one night with our workies and, in the middle of a crowded pub, he kissed me… and I kissed him back. I tore myself up about it later but it did happen. And since then it's all been strange. We've NOT started a raging affair and there's NOT been any suggestion of it but we just became closer and it's been weird, it's like we're seeing each other, but we're not
I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a complete floozy and believe me, I am VEHEMENTLY anti-cheating. I've always maintained that if you want to cheat (not just looking but SERIOUSLY are thinking about cheating), your current relationship is not working. If I was hearing from someone else about me, I'd think I was a horrible tart. I'd probably call myself a skanky bitch. At the very least, a slut
But the fact remains that it's not possible to choose who you fall for. You can absolutely choose what you do about your feelings if they exist, and I'm disappointed in myself for not taking the high moral ground with this man, really bitterly disappointed, but I didn't choose (and certainly didn't want) to feel the way I do
I think whatever brief thing we've had has ended though. He's been having problems with his wife (hello there, explanation on his part!) but he told me the other day that despite their fighting, they're trying to work things out. And he's had a different lunch break than me for the last three days. We've not chatted at the photocopier like usual
I'm not proud of myself. I remember how I felt when the SOE slept with some of my friends (and tried it on with my sister) and there was no "until death do us part" (or children) with the two of us. I don't think I did the acceptable thing; in fact, I know I did the WRONG thing by not saying absolutely definitely not. And crossing that line? Kissing, hugging, holding hands and talking for hours? Whatever else we did after that line was crossed was just wrong in every respect
But I adore the man. I miss our lunches and our talks and our in-jokes and I want… I don't even know what I want. I definitely want not to feel the way I do. I'm conscious that of the (few) friends who know about this, almost all look down on me for it. I'd be the same in their shoes
There's no punch line with this post. It's not remotely funny. I'm in over my amoral head here and I know it
posted by Bug @ 10:29 pm   1 comments
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Still writing my mammoth post...
... but I would love the amateur dream interpreters out there to translate the dream I had last night:
One of my workies, Joe, broke up with his girlfriend (who is long term and who is great) to be with me. We had a fantastic time, holding hands and snogging and hugging and laughing and being generally heart-burstingly lovey dovey
(note: I'm not interested in Joe. He's good looking and a great guy and we get along but I'm not interested in him at all)
Then myself and four of my workies were kidnapped by Palestinian terrorists (noooo idea) and taken to a secluded place while ransoms were sought and such. During this, the four girls and I were sitting at my old science desks listening to a lecture by one of the terrorists. I was sitting at the back of the room with my friend Alex (who is a workie) and the other three were sitting in front of us. Alex got up to go to the bathroom and when she came back, she squeezed in with the other girls, leaving me by myself, dribbling (like basketball dribbling, not saliva-y drooling) a FitBall
Then I looked out the window and saw that Will, a guy at work I'm seeing (the mammoth post is coming...) had turned up in the secluded place with a couple of policemen to help negotiate our release. When I managed to sneak out of the room and talk to Will for a second and I asked him how hard it had been to be able to come to see us, he said he'd had to pay $4000 to be able to. Then he looked at me coldly and walked back to the police
And then I woke up. And I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! Someone, please find SOME meaning in that dream for me!!!
posted by Bug @ 10:07 pm   2 comments
Life's never just UNCOMPLICATED, is it??
God, I don't know where to begin! There's been so MUCH been going on, a great deal of which I can't really talk about... although I WANT to... but I can't. Not tonight, anyway
I don't know. I'm feeling philosophical tonight and I don't want to subject anyone to that side of me cos you'll happily chew your fingertips off rather than finish the post and how, I ask you HOW, would you be able to type your own posts without fingertips, huh?
So. I'm going to go and find something crappy and fun to watch, like Grease. Or The Sound of Music, maybe. I'll have some champagne. And then I'll sit down tomorrow when I have a spare hour or two to write a FULL update
And I'll leave you with the TOTALLY important realisation I just had (having come from watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for the second time) that it's quite possible that I'm in love with Viktor Krum. Although Robert Pattinson is un-ugly as well. And Draco Malfoy is a definite lay-by
*sigh* I like boys
posted by Bug @ 12:26 am   1 comments
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Just a bit of a life update
  • SO I was NOT out with a boy as Bug thought I was, last Wednesday. I was out with some girlfriends. The said boy and I are FRIENDS, so even if we were out together, it would be in a friendly way. I am still deeply disturbed about the way Bug came to think we (the boy and I) were out together though. A mutual male friend bumped into Bug at the Big Food Festival and told her that "Cec and Mark are finally out together" or something along those lines. This disturbed me because I hadn't realised that it was such common knowledge amongst the friend group members that Mark 'fancies' me. In fact, I'd rather hoped that Mark had stopped 'liking' me by now. Oh well, he's off to Antarctia via South America in a few weeks - hopefully he'll fall in love with a beautiful, passionate Chilean girl and bring her back to Hobart.
  • I'm currently having lunch. It may only be 10.43 am, but I'm hungry now.
  • I just got my first draft of my article back from my supervisor (I'm currently writing an article about my plants and fire, soil health and vascular plant seed success I'm intending to have published in a scientific journal). I was dreading this event, because usually my first drafts are covered in so much red pen I can barely make out what I had originally written. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover whole pages without any red pen, just a tick at the bottom of the page, and a message at the end saying that she's impressed!
  • My supervisor's message has made me feel very happy, and I think I'm going to forgive her for making me go bush at 6 am tomorrow morning with her, meaning I have to get up at 4.15 am. * Important note to self: buy some diet coke so you don't fall asleep while driving the three hours to your study sites and back again on highly dangerous windy roads.
  • My officemate is still not back from her Christmas holidays. This is a good thing, because I'm in a pretty disgusting state, with lots of sniffing, nose blowing, and hacking coughing. I'm also a bit worried about how she'll take my cleaning. She may see it as me muddling in areas outside my own domain (ie my own office and shelves). OH MY GOD SHE JUST WALKED IN! Polite chit-chat all round. She hasn't commented on my cleaning. Oh, I forgot to tell you all, I cleaned the inch of dust off the surfaces in our office, and had a big chuckout of all the rubbish littering said surfaces (except her desk and bookshelves, of course).
  • My officemate is something of a grot, and that's pretty rich, coming from me, Miss Messy. For example, would you like to know what happens if you leave a half drunk mug of tea on your desk for 15 days? I can tell you, from looking at the example that is still on her desk. On day one, it was just a congealed lumpy brown mess. By day 15 however, an amazing metamorphosis has taken place. All the liquid has evaporated, leaving a dried teabag that appeared to be stuck to the bottom and side of the mug. Large spots of furry blue mould have blossomed on the teabag, and around the bottom of the mug. Smaller spots of greeny-white mould surround the larger blue circles.
  • I had a very enjoyable New Year. Probably my best yet. This was my fifth New Year's Eve at work. We finished work at 2.45 am on New Year's Day, then sat around drinking at work until 4.10am. Then a group of the original 'girls' went to one of the girl's houses, where we found her boyfriend and a group of his friends still quietly celebrating. We continued on drinking until about 7.30am, rested for a couple of hours, then went out for breakfast. It was so busy it took us an hour to get a glass of juice, so breakfast went on until lunch time. Not a big new year, by any means, but it was very pleasant having drunken philosophical discussions at 6am, and breakfasting without having had any sleep at all, and still being wired on Red Bull.
posted by Cecilia @ 10:37 am   1 comments
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