The mammoth post is just too long. Convoluted and rant-y and most of it just me trying to justify the fact that I've fallen for a married man
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I'm not deluded; I have no expectation that he's going to leave his wife for me and I had to giggle when I thought of (hypothetically) he and I going to one of my family dinners and me hanging out with my cousins listening to 311 and The Offspring and the soundtrack from Les Miserables (yes, we have eclectic taste in my family) and the married man sitting upstairs talking with the adults. I know that nothing will come of it and that I'm a fool to even be interested but the gist of the story is this:
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When I started at my work (my oh so wonderful work that I love more and more each day. I am such a nerd), I fancied him. Nothing serious but I thought he was good-looking and more than that, he was just a fun guy. I had fun just listening to him talk. THEN I found out he was married and while I was (quite) disappointed, I just dismissed him from my mind because hello, married! When his wife gave birth to their second child a few months back, I had a pang but ignored it. Then he hit on me a couple of weeks before Christmas (he was drunk, he's not a sleaze) and I was a bit crestfallen. I'd always thought he was such a great guy and I couldn't reconcile a cheat with a guy I admired
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But after a week or so, I realised that I'd not quite put him out of my mind like I'd thought. Nothing happened but we started having lunch together, chatting about football and past relationships and he read me my horoscope every day and told me that he thinks I'm gorgeous. It was all above board though, other people would come and talk with us – we were just hanging out
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Until. Until we went out one night with our workies and, in the middle of a crowded pub, he kissed me… and I kissed him back. I tore myself up about it later but it did happen. And since then it's all been strange. We've NOT started a raging affair and there's NOT been any suggestion of it but we just became closer and it's been weird, it's like we're seeing each other, but we're not
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I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a complete floozy and believe me, I am VEHEMENTLY anti-cheating. I've always maintained that if you want to cheat (not just looking but SERIOUSLY are thinking about cheating), your current relationship is not working. If I was hearing from someone else about me, I'd think I was a horrible tart. I'd probably call myself a skanky bitch. At the very least, a slut
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But the fact remains that it's not possible to choose who you fall for. You can absolutely choose what you do about your feelings if they exist, and I'm disappointed in myself for not taking the high moral ground with this man, really bitterly disappointed, but I didn't choose (and certainly didn't want) to feel the way I do
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I think whatever brief thing we've had has ended though. He's been having problems with his wife (hello there, explanation on his part!) but he told me the other day that despite their fighting, they're trying to work things out. And he's had a different lunch break than me for the last three days. We've not chatted at the photocopier like usual
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I'm not proud of myself. I remember how I felt when the SOE slept with some of my friends (and tried it on with my sister) and there was no "until death do us part" (or children) with the two of us. I don't think I did the acceptable thing; in fact, I know I did the WRONG thing by not saying absolutely definitely not. And crossing that line? Kissing, hugging, holding hands and talking for hours? Whatever else we did after that line was crossed was just wrong in every respect
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But I adore the man. I miss our lunches and our talks and our in-jokes and I want… I don't even know what I want. I definitely want not to feel the way I do. I'm conscious that of the (few) friends who know about this, almost all look down on me for it. I'd be the same in their shoes
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There's no punch line with this post. It's not remotely funny. I'm in over my amoral head here and I know it |
aww...its ok, definately still associating with you, in an internet way.
oh, but my friends are usually suprised if i like someone who isnt married and/or old.
but youll be ok- maybe its better it ended before you both got in too deep? hopefully you can go back to friends at least..x