So once again it's coming up to my birthday... ok, it's two months away, but two months is nothing! The first two months of the year flew past, didn't they?? So it's almost here, really. And I was thinking the other day, "I'm about to be 24, how groovy" until I realised that at 24, my mother had been married for two years and was pregnant with me
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And it's not that I want to be married and pregnant (that's a great big HELL NO on the pregnancy, thank YOU!), but by 24 my mother's life was settled
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Of course, as it turns out, her life wouldn't go exactly to plan: she and Daddy have spent the last 8 years having the world's second most unamicable break-up (Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin... cripes) and the last 2 or 3 coping with my increasingly unwell grossmutter, but since she got engaged at 21 (an age where she was starting to consider herself as having been "left on the shelf") she's essentially known what was up ◊ But me? Lately (ok, for months now) I've been trying to work out what to do with myself: should I stay where I'm currently working or try for a better paid job (although I asked for a pay rise yesterday and was told by my manager that she'd already put me forward for one, which is nice); should I keep boarding with Daddy, playing the daughter role (infuriating but comfortable) and saving to buy a place of my own; should I treat myself and buy the convertible I've always wanted; should I sell everything I own and travel... the list is endless. And the more I look, the more units I inspect or overseas cities I research or employment agencies I sign up with, the more confused and torn I get
◊ It's not that I'm exactly a glass-half-empty person, I think I'm more I-wonder-what-the-other-half-tastes-like? But after what's happened in the last year, with Deo and his friends' video and a couple of other things that hit me for six, I've not been able to rest easily with myself. It's not that I'm depressed exactly, it's more that I can't sit comfortably in my own skin now. I've spent a year despising myself for how those guys treated me and almost as long wishing I'd been able to protect someone I love from something terrible that happened to them. Wishing I could've been a stronger person, I suppose
◊ And with no-one to talk to about it all, everything has built up until I'm quite aware I've been dwelling on things best put down to naïveté and generally shitty human nature, but it's all still there and I feel the need to shake things up, move on from the hesitant, pathetic half-person I've become
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Put simply, I don't know what to do with my life, how to make it - and me - better |
hello!
it sounds like youve got alot on your mind...youre ok overall though...?
i just read your comment to me, where am i recapping from, the beginning??