Saturday, March 03, 2007
At a bit of a loss
So once again it's coming up to my birthday... ok, it's two months away, but two months is nothing! The first two months of the year flew past, didn't they?? So it's almost here, really. And I was thinking the other day, "I'm about to be 24, how groovy" until I realised that at 24, my mother had been married for two years and was pregnant with me

And it's not that I want to be married and pregnant (that's a great big HELL NO on the pregnancy, thank YOU!), but by 24 my mother's life was settled

Of course, as it turns out, her life wouldn't go exactly to plan: she and Daddy have spent the last 8 years having the world's second most unamicable break-up (Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin... cripes) and the last 2 or 3 coping with my increasingly unwell grossmutter, but since she got engaged at 21 (an age where she was starting to consider herself as having been "left on the shelf") she's essentially known what was up
But me? Lately (ok, for months now) I've been trying to work out what to do with myself: should I stay where I'm currently working or try for a better paid job (although I asked for a pay rise yesterday and was told by my manager that she'd already put me forward for one, which is nice); should I keep boarding with Daddy, playing the daughter role (infuriating but comfortable) and saving to buy a place of my own; should I treat myself and buy the convertible I've always wanted; should I sell everything I own and travel... the list is endless. And the more I look, the more units I inspect or overseas cities I research or employment agencies I sign up with, the more confused and torn I get
It's not that I'm exactly a glass-half-empty person, I think I'm more I-wonder-what-the-other-half-tastes-like? But after what's happened in the last year, with Deo and his friends' video and a couple of other things that hit me for six, I've not been able to rest easily with myself. It's not that I'm depressed exactly, it's more that I can't sit comfortably in my own skin now. I've spent a year despising myself for how those guys treated me and almost as long wishing I'd been able to protect someone I love from something terrible that happened to them. Wishing I could've been a stronger person, I suppose
And with no-one to talk to about it all, everything has built up until I'm quite aware I've been dwelling on things best put down to naïveté and generally shitty human nature, but it's all still there and I feel the need to shake things up, move on from the hesitant, pathetic half-person I've become

Put simply, I don't know what to do with my life, how to make it - and me - better
posted by Bug @ 11:56 pm  
5 Rantings:
  • At 3:17 am, Blogger monkey typist said…


    it sounds like youve got alot on your mind...youre ok overall though...?

    i just read your comment to me, where am i recapping from, the beginning??

  • At 2:52 am, Blogger Doug said…

    I would recommend travel. While I have never done it, a lot of people and friends I know who where in the same boat as you ended up travelling. They said the experiences in other countries, new cultures, and the self reliance made them stronger and gave them a better outlook on life which helped them settle in on what they wanted long term.

  • At 9:07 am, Blogger Cecilia said…

    Oh Buggy you don't NEED to be a better person! There is abso-bloody-lutely nothing wrong with the person you are now! I'm sorry that you've felt you've had to cope with everything on your own but you know that you can ALWAYS talk to me, don't you? I know I am not the easiest person to pin
    down to a phone conversation, but I'm still HERE. And if anyone can relate to your feelings of stagnating in their life and not moving on from high school days (re living at home STILL) that would be me - you have at least
    experienced what it is like to be 'out on your own'.

    And I am definately holding you to our Portugal and Greece plans - we must go in about 18 months to two years! And I'd like to throw in Istanbul to do some cheapo bazaar shopping and maybe a bit of Aussie history at Gallipoli.

  • At 9:09 am, Blogger Cecilia said…

    Like the new layout too by the way! Beaches are nice to look at even if they have far too much sand!

  • At 2:53 am, Blogger monkey typist said…

    so whens your trip cecilia? will you be posting while youre away?

    where is it youre going anyway?

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