So Boo (yes I know I always talk about Boo, but she's the only one of my friends who does silly things with me) has had this on-off crush for a year or so with a guy she used to work with, Robert. They were really good friends at work, spent all day together, messaged each other about The OC, occasionally went for drives after work - they just clicked. Of course, she was absolutely nuts about him and he thought she was a top chick, but no, didn't fancy her. Then Robert got a new job He left the el posho office where they worked and started at another el posho place and all of a sudden, he stopped messaging, stopped emailing, didn't answer his phone when she rang. It turns out that the 17-year-old girl he had been 'friends' with the entire time Boo and he had worked together, was in fact his girlfriend and that she didn't like Boo, felt threatened by her. And so, being a weak-minded, easily-led coward, Robert decided to put sex over friendship and disappeared
(I'll just interrupt myself and point out that Robert is 24. Granted the little bint girlfriend is now 18, but he's a uni graduate with a reasonably high-powered job. She's in Grade 12. Of high school. Does this show how mature he's not?)
Now, Boo is European, with the temper that goes with it (and no, I'm not being a bigot. I went to a Catholic school, half of the students were European, and almost all our family friends are. They just HAVE tempers! It's pretty much fact! Boo's mother threw a SAUCEPAN at me!) and she decided not to take his chicken shit behaviour lying down. So for the past 2 months or so we've been trying to work out how to get back at Robert, something that'll piss him off but not be illegal
He's a car boy. He loves his car. He lives for his car. He's one of those boys who will be unable to pay his phone bill because he's just spent $1000 on a new exhaust system. You know the type. His car is a surrogate penis. So we thought we'd hit him where it'd hurt most
Egging has been done, it's old
Keying is illegal (and also a bit much, really; we wanted to piss him off, not cost him money)
Letting down his types is too hard, considering his driveway is long, steep and floodlit
So we decided on cornflour, to chuck a handful on the windscreen. What's the first thing you do when there's shit on your window? Turn on the wipers. What happens to cornflour when you add water? Exactly. Mondo mess!
The thing is, we've not had an opportunity to do it because Robert parks somewhere obscure for work (which is probably a good thing, cos presumably cornflour sludgey crap would make it a little unsafe to be driving!). Until today
TODAY we were driving around and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I saw his car and we pulled over. What to do? We had no cornflour handy, keying was out . . . hmm . . . lip gloss! Boo put a lovely, thick, gooey layer of hot pink, glittery lip gloss on the inside of his door handle (and another layer on the passenger door, so the 18-year-old bint'll get a handful as well) and we fled. Robert's not the type of guy to have a tissue handy so there'll be lip gloss all over him, all over the car, all over the bint. And any girl KNOWS how long glitter and especially glittery lip gloss just HANGS AROUND! It gets EVERYwhere! Excellent
Mature? Er, no, I'd say not. Stupid? Probably, there were cars everywhere! Satisfying? Fun? Worth the risk? Oh absolutely!!
And the best part is, he'll KNOW it was us, but can he prove it? NO! |
Fantastic!!!He deserves to be glossed to within an inch of his sad, losery I-need-to-be-worshipped-so-I-go-out-with-teenagers life. A story of true, dignified, and, better still, cosmetically enhanced revenge.