So I practically live at my local pub (actually, it's a "cafe & bar". But whatever). Well, it's not really local, since it's in the posh area of my city and I live firmly in the 'burbs, but I'm choosing to call it my local cos I WILL be moving near there. As soon as I find a full-time job and pay off a bit of my credit card and start my car payments again and actually save up something for bond. Oh fuck it, I'd LIKE to live there, ok?
Anyway. I go there ALL the time, like 4 times a week (although there was a stage where I was pretty much there every day. And then there was my OLD local pub - also not really local, actually, across the road from my current one - where I was LITERALLY there every day, including Sunday when it was shut. Make friends with your bar staff - it has perks), and Boo and I have gotten to know the bar staff there pretty well too. In FACT, one of them, Winnie (who is a BABE), and I bonded over music and I burned (burnt?) him a CD and he burned (?) me a DVD and we talk music trash when he's working and he asks me about whatever book I'm reading (since I read about 5 books a week and I often go to the pub by myself in the middle of the day - don't look at me like that, it has an outside deck and I drink lemon, lime and bitters, I'm not a TOTAL alco! - and read, and it's always a new book) and he gives me triple shots for the price of a normal drink. Did I mention I totally fancy him? Bloody girlfriends, I hate them
AND, Boo is one of those chicks who gay men LURVE. Like, ADORE. And it's not just because her real name may be the same as a certain singer who gay men all ADORE also (what, you didn't realise I use pseudonyms for every single person on here? Silly knobbin! Like it says Bug on my birth certificate!). She's just like that: she's pretty and has an enormous smile and wears bright colours and is loud and vivacious and all that sort of thing so they LURVE her
Now, the owner of our pub is terribly fun, terrifically camp, totally gorgeous and has been with his boyfriend for 20 years in September (it's a crying shame). Incidentally, he also has a 21-year-old son who's not too hard on the eyes. But I digress. The owner, Lem, LURVES Boo: last night he called her his "goddess". He also told me that he thinks I have great boobs and that he loves "tits" (I hate that word) (and why does a gay man love boobs?), but Boo is his favourite Anyway. The pub is closing and renovating (where will I DRINK??) and they're having a grand opening party and because Lem LURVES Boo so much, we're invited to the opening party which should be fantastically smashing cos they're having free vodka and Red Bulls and champagne and Liquid Cocaines (30ml Absolut Vanilia, 30ml Red Bull, 30ml champers - or regular sparkling if you're cheap like me - totally great cocktail) but IT'S COCKTAIL DRESS!! Please believe me when I say that I'm not running myself down but I do NOT have the figure for cocktail dresses! I have what you might call a "child-bearing" body. I have hips. I have a bum (although I like my bum). I'm reasonably busty. I have standard female upper arms (read: not Hollywood-thin). I used to have a tiny waist but that was when I rowed - since I stopped rowing my waist is just a leeeetle (a lot) thicker. I have thighs . . . actually, truthfully, it's my legs that stop me wearing most of the things I like. When I was rowing and going to the gym and especially when I didn't live at home and only ate once a day, my legs weren't too bad, since my body overall is actually quite muscular when I work at it (but not in a scary, body-builder way!), but I just don't have the legs for short dresses. And cocktail dresses are ALWAYS short. And the ones that aren't are mid-calf length and those dresses make me look chunky as arse, like I've got two tree trunks for legs or something So what the fuck do I wear?? I've GOT to go cos it'll be a GOOD FUN (there's a whole story with "a good fun" but I can't be bothered now since this has, yet again, turned into one of my ultra super-duper long posts. Why does EVERYthing I write have a back story?) and there'll be FREE drinks and Winnie will be working (or not working but there drinking, which would be even better, actually! Especially if his wench isn't there . . . hmm . . .) and I get to put on spangly earrings and lots of eye make-up and fabulous shoes! BUT WHAT DO I WEAR??? I'm such a dud with girly stuff! (that's why I read Real Girl's blog - she knows EVERYthing) Help me someone! I know I only have, like, 5 readers (it's all good, I know I'm only dribbling crap anyway), but surely one of you, or one of your friends, must have some idea about body types and style and all that shit that I DON'T know about! You know who I need? Trinny and Susannah - THEY would know what to dress me in! |
That IS tricky! I reckon.. Skirt and top because when it says cocktail dresses it just mean 'a little bit fancy', right? So you could find a really cool a-line skirt (Trinny always tells people to wear A-line)and then a HALTER NECK top (makes boobs look grreat and slimming as well.. mm). Then if you wear some fabulously fabulous shoes and drape yourself in diamonds (a la Marylin).. Ta DA!!
Only a humble opinion.
Sure you'll look beautiful whatever you wear..